Tommy Cooper One Liners (2)
So I went down the local supermarket, I said “I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said “Those are pickled onions”.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said “I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said “Not you again”.
And I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel.
So I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said “Are you two an item?”.
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought “That’s a turtle disaster”.
And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.
Cos it’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.
He said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. ‘ I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books.
I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
Then I thought to myself; My feet are killing me”. Went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners.
A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, ‘Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.’ Man says, Why? The doctor says, ‘I don’t like my neighbours’
Two Aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese and there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of us. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it’s Colin.
I went into a butchers and I said, ‘I’ll have a pound of sausages. ‘He said, ‘I’m very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. ‘I said, ‘Okay then I’ll have a pound of kilos.’
So I said to the doctor. ‘People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I’m a cricket ball. ‘The doctor said ‘Howzat?’ I said, ‘don’t you start’.
‘Doc, I can’t stop singing the green green grass of home. ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’ ‘It’s not unusual.’
‘I was standing at a party the other night and across the room was an attractive woman. I looked at her and cocked my eye. She looked at me and cocked her eye back. And there we stood, cock-eyed.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
A man walks into doctor’s office. “What seems to be the problem?” asks the doc. “It’s … um … well … I have five penises.” replies the man. “Blimey!” says the doctor, “How do your trousers fit?” “Like a glove.”
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
I went to a really energetic “Seafood Disco” last week …. and pulled a mussel.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I had to amputate your arms”
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, “No, you’re right the steaks are too high.”
Answer phone message “….If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key….”
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” said Dolly. “It’s true, straight up, no bull!”
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.