Tommy Cooper One Liners (1)
Went to the paper shop – it had blown away.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other – you drive I’ll man the guns.
A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.
I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, ‘Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for ‘flu. So I went, and I got it.’
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.
A woman told her doctor, ‘I’ve got a bad back. ‘The doctor said, ‘It’s old age.’ The woman said, ‘I want a second opinion. ‘The doctor says, ‘OK. you’re ugly as well.’
A man walked into the doctor’s, The doctor said ‘I haven’t seen you in a long time’ The man replied, ‘I know I’ve been ill’.
A man walked into the doctor’s, he said ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places’. The doctor said ‘well don’t go there any more’.
So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: ‘What do you want’, I said, ‘I want to stay here’. She said, ‘Well stay there’ and shut the window.
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
Man went into a bar. He went ‘Ouch’. It was an iron bar.
Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said ‘Hey, you’ve got your sleeve in my drink’, man replied, ‘There’s no (h)arm in it’
I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant.
I said to this Chinese waiter, ‘Look, this chicken I got here is cold. ‘He said, ‘It should be, it’s been dead two weeks.’
I said, ‘Not only that. ‘I said, I said… I said it twice, I said, ‘He’s got one leg shorter than the other. ‘He said, ‘What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?’
I said, ‘Forget the chicken, give me a lobster, and he brought me this lobster. I said just a minute, he’s only got one claw. ‘He said ‘Well he’s been in a fight. ‘I said, ‘Well give me the winner.’
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “your round.” The other one says “so are you, you fat bast**d!”
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
D’you know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine.”
So that was nice. I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy.
My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
How do you get out of prison? Rub your hands together until they’re sore, then use the saw to chop through the bars…
I went to the doctors. He said ‘What appears to be the problem?’. I said ‘I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away’. He said ‘How can I help?’. I said ‘Break my arms!’
So I said to this train driver “I want to go to Paris”. He said “Eurostar?”. I said “I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”.
So I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”. He said “How flexible are you?”. I said “I can’t make Tuesdays”.
But I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said “Do you get my drift?”.