When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive… It’s a good thing my older brother told me about it.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he’s still making fun of me.
I grew a beard thinking it would say “Distinguished Gentleman.” Instead, turns out it says, “Senior Discount, Please!”
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
Ageing gracefully is like the nice way of saying you’re slowly looking worse.
Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you’re forgetting.
Everyone my age is older than me…
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favourite reptile is.
The question isn’t at what age I want to retire, it’s at what income.
I like older men because they’re used to life’s disappointments. Which means they’re ready for me.
You’re old enough to remember when emojis were called “hieroglyphics.”
He is so old that he gets nostalgic when he sees the Neolithic cave paintings.
Got an e-mail today from a “bored housewife 33, looking for some action!” I’ve sent her my ironing, that’ll keep her busy.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment. This is my time to shine.
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
How do you know your old? People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
I’ve reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news. I know there’ll be some new developments I won’t like.
When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body. Then I was born
I always wanted to marry an Archaeologist. The older I would get, the more interested she would become!
I’m at the age where I have to make a noise when I bend over. It’s the law.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4 years old raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Middle age is when you’re faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o’clock.
You know when you’re getting older by remembering the past embarrassment of not zipping up your fly but now hoping you remember when to unzip.
They tell you that you’ll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don’t tell you is that you won’t miss it very much.
The older you get, the more you need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
I’ve never played the bagpipes but I have carried a screaming three-year-old toddler over my shoulder.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said, “You know, one would have been enough.”
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way. I think to myself maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.
“Your finest Scotch, please.” “Yes, sir,” the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.
I don’t care what you think you’re good at, there’s a 7-year-old kid on YouTube doing it better.
Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.