Jimmy Carr jokes (2)
Yes, Jimmy Carr – you’ve been warned!
“My father always used to say, ‘What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.’ Until the accident.”
“In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s a pizza.”
“My girlfriend bought a cookbook the other day called Cheap and Easy Vegetarian Cooking. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian…”
“I went up to the airport information desk and said ‘How many airports are there in the world?'”
“My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said, ‘Alright, fatty.'”
“A big girl once came up to me after a show and said ‘I think you’re fatist’. I said, ‘no, I think you’re fattest.'”
“I live near a remedial school. There’s a sign that says, ‘slow – children’. That can’t be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side… they can’t read it.”
“Boxers don’t have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each other.”
“The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It’s that old women are so very ugly.”
“I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for a year. I’m not sure about you, but I think we’re being overcharged on groceries.”
“I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my Mum that really hurt.”
“I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn’t eat before you swim. She said, ‘why not?’ I said, ‘you look fat.'”
“I worry about my Nan. If she’s alone and she falls, does she make a sound?”
“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”