Jimmy Carr jokes (1)
Yes, Jimmy Carr – you’ve been warned!
“I did a sponsored walk once. In the end, I’d managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.”
“When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.”
“I had a survey done on my house. Eight out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.”
“My favourite road sign is ‘Falling Rocks’. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying, ‘Random accidents ahead’; ‘Life’s a lottery, Be lucky.'”
“I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.”
“I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him, ‘They’re like buses.’ He said, ‘What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once.’ I said, ‘No, they are like buses!'”
“I’m not being condescending. I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.”
“Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?'”
“I saw a charity appeal in The Guardian the other day, and it read, ‘Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water.’ And I couldn’t help thinking, ‘she should move.'”
“I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.”
“I like to go into The Body Shop and shout out really loud, ‘I’ve already got one!'”
“No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea, you never get that tea.”
“I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign, ‘This door is alarmed’. I said to myself, ‘How do you think I feel?'”
“I’m not worried about the Third World War. That’s the Third World’s problem.”
“I have no problems with buying tampons, I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they’re not a ‘proper’ present.”
“There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me, ‘oh, don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys.’ OK, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys? And second of all if it’s happening to more than one of us, don’t you think it could be your fault?”
“The first few weeks of Weight Watchers, you’re just finding your feet.”
“Say what you want about the deaf…”